It’s been nearly 5 months since the brain tumour presented itself when I had my first seizure. Statistically that means that theoretically, I am more likely than not to die within the next ten months. I mention this not because I either want or intent to die (or indeed feel like I’m going to right now), but instead to highlight an omnipresent sense of urgency that sits within me. It compels me to try and ‘make the most’ of the time that I have available. When I finished my Chemoradiotherapy (about 5 weeks ago now), I was relieved the treatment was over. With a month off before the next round of Chemotherapy would resume, it felt really important to me to grab the precious 4 weeks and really enjoy it. I had big plans. I loved the idea of spending lots of quality time with the kids and seeing friends and family. I was even toying with the idea of arranging a party / live performance or...

To those still following my blog - thank you. I started the blog 5 weeks behind reality and this post marks the point where I’ve caught up with myself. I am now finally writing in real time. Do me a favour - press the ‘kudos’ button on this entry as I’m interested as to how people have made it this far. I can’t tell who you are if you’re worried. Whilst I’ve been writing my entries on the radiotherapy, I’ve been wondering if it’s worth trying to share a description of the actual procedure itself. You know, to give context to the 30 separate times I’ve been in to have it completed. It’s actually easy to describe in physical terms. You go in and lie down on a metal tray. They put a little moulded piece of red foam under your legs to make it more ‘comfortable’. Then you have your head screwed onto the tray via a very tight plastic mask. You wait until the machine spins round you and makes...

I consider myself, and would certainly like to be considered as, a liberal man. For clarity, I don’t mean to infer any affiliation to the liberal political party. I detest them in fact. By liberal I mean ‘liberal minded’, and by that I mean ‘open minded’ to differing perspectives, views and beliefs. I don’t like to make judgements, because I’m acutely aware that any judgement you make will almost certainly be based on knowledge that will likely be incomplete, flawed or just plain wrong. I try to live my life from the perspective that I don’t know much and what I do know may well be incorrect. I’ve always liked the idea of being open minded to this reality and viewing the world through that lens. When I met my wife however, (she has a unique gift of challenging the status-quo), I was also going through one of those ‘finding yourself’ periods in my life. The combination led me to conclude...

At the end of the 1st week’s treatment, my wife and I met with a support worker from the charity ‘Daisy’s Dream’ to get more advice on how to support our kids through this situation. Mrs T. came to see us at our house and she was great. Some of the people that I’ve met through this experience just command such respect for their tact, kindness and more importantly expertise and knowledge. Her perspective on how we should develop our support of the children was truly inspirational. In addition to talking about the kids, she also asked me if I wanted to get any counselling which she could arrange for free through McMillan. I had been thinking about the possibility of doing it. I’ve never taken any counselling before but do really believe in it as a concept. I realised this was a difficult period in my life and it could be of benefit. To be honest at that point, I wasn’t really sure exactly...

The day before my first radiotherapy appointment, I had to go to Bracknell to be given my first weeks worth of Chemo tablets. They also gave me the instructions on how to use them. Either I completely misunderstood what I was told, or the instructions were lousy. The next day at Reading I got a bollocking from the first Radiographer I met for taking the tablet at the wrong time. It marked the beginning of what proved to be a horrible first day for a treatment that I didn’t want to do in the first place. Earlier, when I first got up and took my first dose of chemo, I felt bullish. I thought to myself ‘fuck it! I don’t get side effects from tablets and this is going to be easy!’ and set off to the radiotherapy with a kind of ‘give me your best shot’ sort of attitude. Another about 2 hours of waiting, fucking around with the equipment whilst they did the initial set-up and then the actual...

When I met with Dr. D to discuss the chemoradiotherapy treatment I thought she told me that I had 4 weeks to wait before I could start. I was very pleased at the prospect of a month off. A month was enough time to get some further recovery from the surgery and more importantly some time to do some fun stuff with my family, and see some friends. I had this feeling from the meeting that once the treatment started I would basically be to all intent incapacitated. Now was the time to do some cool stuff. It didn’t even occur to be to be concerned about any delay, I was so dreading the treatment that the longer away the better. As it turned out, I had misunderstood what she had said. In fact, the treatment was to start less that 2 weeks after the meeting. What she had meant was that the treatment would start 4 weeks after the surgery. When I found this out a few days after the appointment I...

Alexkid - Riverflow;
2562 - Narita;
A made up sound - Sleepwalk;
Aaron Spectre - Music is the weapon;
Airhead - Paper Street;
Akufen & Algorithm - Delgado;
Al Tourettes - Dodgem;
Alien Sex Fiend - Sticky;
Alpha Omega - Red Queen;
Alva Noto - Xerrox Tek Part 1 (except);
Âme - Engoli;
Andy Scott - Drippin; Go here to the start of the journey. Go here for next blog entry. Go here to view previous blog entry.

The day after my diagnosis discussion with Mr. P, I was driven over to Reading for a meeting with Dr. D to discuss the ‘radical’ chemo/radiotherapy that he has described as the way forward for me now. I realized for the first time since this had all kicked off that I was frightened - frightened of the treatment rather than just frightened of the illness / death. As a young child I can only remember two main fears; firstly a fear of skeletons. I can clearly pinpoint how that happened. I was watching a black and white ‘Saturday Matinée’ on telly when two kids were burying a dead pet rabbit. As they wept at the grave a huge human skeleton reared up out of the earth at them and it absolutely scared the shit out of me. I was very young - too young to remember what the film was about (although I would love to watch it again!) and too young to remember the title. I’ve always attributed my...

About six years ago I decided to write an album. I hadn’t done any music for a couple of years and felt ready to start creating something. I decided that I wanted to write a concept album; it was something I’d wanted to do for years. The problem was, I didn’t have a concept in mind, other than some very ill-defined ideas about journeys! In my normal style though, I wasn’t going to let this minor inconvenience deter me so I set about trying to create some music, in the hope that this would reveal whatever it was I thought I was trying to do. For about 4 years I then pushed ideas around and produced an almost unending series of audio sketches, half-finished tracks and new sounds. Nothing seemed to connect but I just couldn’t let it lie, so ploughed on, almost obsessively. The time wasn’t completely wasted though. I did start to develop was new (at least for me) production techniques and...

By the time I arrived back at Oxford to meet Mr. P for my diagnosis discussion, I was, I’d say, about 98% sure it was going to be the bad news I’d been told to expect. The remaining 2% wasn’t based on anything other than hope (or denial, I’m not sure I know the difference anymore!). My mind continued to rebel against the concept of my own death and maybe it should just continue doing that, until the very moment I’m dead. There is a primal urge to survive and no amount of intellectualism or rationalization can completely quell that, at least not in me. Mr. P is one of the most inspiring and incredible men I have ever met. Today though, I found out that as gifted as he undoubtedly is, delivering bad news is not his core strength! I could have done a better job than he did and there was something strangely comforting about that. I didn’t harbor any resentment this time though - he is after...