The truth is, the bells toll for everyone. Mortality is present in all our lives. I’ve come to comprehend that having a ‘terminal illness’ just means that mortality is more forthright in your field of view. The bells toll a bit louder for me. But, does time really exist? Certainly our perception through a tool we call ‘consciousness’ is presented through a (sort of) linear series of individual events. The events make up our lives; the past, the present and the future (events yet to be experienced). I say (sort of) linear, because whilst we compose the experience as a stable time line, we’re not always conscious. When we’re asleep, or if we’re unlikely enough to get knocked out (or in surgery as well come to think of it), the time line isn’t perceived. Our brains piece it together when we’re awake again, but that perception is not completely constant. However, from our perspective, time...

The truth is, overall I’ve been lucky. Not lucky to get brain cancer - that sucks. I mean lucky within the realm of having brain cancer. I’ve encountered a lot of others on the same journey. Without using them as a way of explaining my reality, humour me and just take it on board. Compared to many with GBM, my route so far has been a walk in the park. One of the perks of my experience is that I’ve been alive long enough to realise a lot of stuff about myself. The sort of stuff that I either didn’t know, didn’t want to know or sort of knew but preferred denial rather than confrontation. One of these many ‘self realisations’ has been the fact that within my character, I’m basically an optimist. Sounds like an obvious thing to know, but that was actually a bit of a shock to me. Superficially, my outward behaviour is really easy to read as the exact opposite. Faced with any potential...

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
― Frank Herbert, Dune

2015 was a very tough year. In detail, in fact, it carried a lot more depth than just that. The complex nature of my life experience carried with it moments of intense fulfilment. Also, terrifying challenges and truly staggering difficulties. The ‘tough year’ part though, it was something I wanted to start with in this post. It began at the beginning of January, initiated on my birthday. Basically, every single time that sometime ‘fun’ was planned, immediately beforehand, something shitty happened. This became consistent, like a stupid ongoing joke. Birthdays...

“Her lips were red, her looks were free,
Her locks were yellow as gold:
Her skin was as white as leprosy,
The Nightmare Life-in-Death was she,
Who thicks man’s blood with cold.” - Samuel Taylor Coleridge (written 1797–98)

It’s been a long time since I posted anything on this blog. There are a couple of reasons for this. Firstly, I’ve been going through some very difficult personal stuff which has somewhat eclipsed the journey I’m on with my cancer. That’s not something I will talk about. More relevant to the blog though was that the last post I made, well, it made me feel uncomfortable. I will try and explain. When I first started posting, I had two main reasons to do so. Firstly, I wanted to try and improve a big deficit in my ability to communicate. In particular through writing. This had come about through the brain damage from the tumour, and the subsequent surgery to remove it...

This is a live jam of experimental electronic music created by EvilMarkII (also ‘the dread’). Go here to the start of the journey. Go here to view the next blog entry. Go here to view previous blog entry.

Sonic Assault by ASC, And by Dauwd, Pursuit (Mix 3) by Da Sample (Anthony ‘Shake’ Shakir), Thank You by Djrum, She Moans by Dobie, Intregal by Dr Bastardo, Slow Controller (Electromeca Remix) by Electromeca vs Wahn, A Little Further (Not On A Map) by Extrawelt & Dominik Eulberg, Nephatiti by 808 State, Ground Collapse by Hayfever (Champion), Minus 28 by Kamikaze Space Programme, Archive 01 by Midland. Go here to the start of the journey. Go here to view next blog entry. Go here to view previous blog entry.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. The reason for this is twofold. Firstly, events are unfurling much more slowly that the frenetic pace that marked time through my brain surgery and subsequent Radiotherapy. Because things are moving slower, there is simply less of interest to comment on. I could doggedly post updates on the treatment cycle. Beyond describing the process of taking tablets and their effects on me, I felt that updates would seem a little dull. Secondly though, the treatment itself has created a new schedule to my life. It has essentially halved the amount of time I have available to do anything. It’s been harder to sit down and write a blog entry due to this. In each 28 day cycle of Chemo, I take tablets for 5 days and then rest for 23 days. Then I start again. The 23 days is meant to give you some time to try and recover enough from the toxicity of the tablets to...

Lemon Jelly - Ramblin’ Man;
Booka Shade - Night Falls (6:59);
Underworld - Dirty Epic (Dirty Guitar Mix) (11:44);
Layo and Bushwacka - Shining Through (20:41);
Speedy J & Chris Liebing - Dripplezimmer (27:32);
DJ Mink - Hey! Hey! Can U Relate? (Luke Vibert Remix) (38:38);
Altered Natives - God Made Me (Original) (42:06);
Silkie - Snowed In (47:28);
Al Tourettes - Inventing (Original) (53:06); Go here to the start of the journey. Go here to view next blog entry. Go here to view previous blog entry.

I absolutely love science fiction, have done all my life. That is not to say that I have spent my entire life consuming science fiction, although there have certainly periods where I have done that! More personally though, the concept of science, technology and the future has itself had a long life appeal. In a deeply profound, almost spiritual way. The way that I view the world is through an imagined futuristic lens where I see things as not limited to the constraints that have forged them as they are, but instead I see things as how they might be. Might be, evolved along logical lines of progression based on technology and human imagination. Everything from the art I enjoy to the music I listen to and create is inspired through a lens of the future. I read a lot about the developments in science and technology and I’m very rarely surprised by the developments we make as humans...