Forgetting how to speak
The next day I went back to High Wycombe for another MRI. In fact, they actually completed both and CT scan (without and with ‘contrast’) and the same for the MRI. The contrast die felt hot for the CT scan and cold for the MRI. Dr. B’s secretary had called me in the morning and already told me that I would be seeing him the following day in Stoke Mandeville hospital so I knew I wouldn’t get any additional answers on that day. The ‘episodes’ that had started only a few days before were now coming thick and fast. I had 2 in the morning before even going to High Wycombe for the CT / MRI scans, I even had one whilst I was laying in the MRI scanner. It was so strange that these feelings which only a few days earlier had triggered a trip to A&E were now becoming familiar enough that I was just enduring them whilst waiting to find out what was happening; I didn’t even bother mentioning the ones I had in the morning to my wife. The following I went to Stoke Mandeville for a early morning appointment to see Dr. B and find out the results of the scans. I was taken on a great back route through the country and despite the rain it was a surprisingly pleasant drive. It was a good distraction against the anticipation of what the doctor was going to say. Through the journey I subconsciously took myself through the last six days and get my own story straight in my own mind - I guess in an effort to predict the information I would be given today. Two things were inescapable; firstly, the sudden and rapid on-set of the stroke-like episodes with all their subtle varying levels of intensity and flavor and secondly (and far harder for me on a personal level), the undeniable truth that I was finding it noticeably harder on a daily basis to speak properly. If anyone had ever asked me to describe what it is that I can ‘do’, or even how I would describe myself as a person, it would be to explain that I’m a talker. I’m no brighter that the average person, certainly no oil painting and don’t possess any particularly remarkable skills or abilities that would stand me apart from the crowd. What I can do though is clearly, consistently and concisely verbalize information in a way that had enabled pretty much anything that I had ever achieved. Whether it was describe events, summarize instructions, articulate emotional landscapes, frame information and re-baseline situations and perspectives I seemed to have the capacity to talk in a way that helped people around me to obtain what they needed to move forward successfully. Because I had spent so much of my time focusing on this ability it was a tool that I was deeply aware of and on a profound level any ‘disturbance’ within this capability was something that I was acutely struck by. It was the radical change going on within this part of myself which more than anything was telling me that something serious was going wrong and I couldn’t escape the deepening sense of dread which was building. I could feel an invisible spiders web slowly wrapping itself around my inner core inhibiting something that I had taken for granted for so long. Go here to the start of the journey. Go here for next blog entry.
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